True Attunement + Ventral Tether
Hello dear soul. I am so very glad you are here!
This is the first in a new series over here on the Sacred Heart Blog. I’ve long been a devoted writer of a popular astrology blog. While I’ve absolutely loved that work (and continue to practice astrology privately), I was asked by my Wisest Self to shift my focus for 2022 and put that project on hiatus for now.
I’ve been studying the nervous system all year and will be talking more about that here for now.
This first pivotal post is about true attunement and the nervous system. It shares a concept called the Ventral Tether which is some polyvagal lingo for how we can help attune to people in a safe way as we connect to them.
This is also the first in my art series called The Soft Animal and the Soul.
Soft Animal, is both a nod to Mary Oliver and an honoring of our animal bodies and their wisdom. It's also a gesture of kindness to this body I inhabit and how she's learned to move in the world.
Soul, because I believe we can't fully step toward, connect with, and enact our truest soul expression + longings if our animal body can't find softness.
Attunement
Attunement is a precious, and all too rare, gift we give to ourselves and others.
It says: "I see and feel and know you, here, just as you are. I'm willing to meet you where you are. You don't need to be any different than you are to belong and be safe with me."
How many of us as children heard, when we were hurting or scared, "Oh you're okay, don't cry, you're fine." (Or worse: "I'll give you something to cry about" ...but that's for another post)
Or as adults, maybe you're sad or afraid and someone tells you, "You're fine, just think positively, be strong, dust it off, everything happens for a reason."
Misattunement stings. Though we receive the message that we are not okay as we are, the real message is that another person doesn't have the skills or capacity to be with what is here (likely in themselves as well). Often because we never learned or received attunement ourselves.
We heal through attunement. For someone to open toward us, to see us as we are, to be known, felt, and met. When we can attune, we can co-regulate, something all mammals need to survive and thrive.
To meet someone where they are, especially when they are hurting, it helps to have a "ventral tether."
That's some polyvagal speak for having a firm anchor in safety, connection, presence, curiosity, and ease AND throwing in a splash of whatever the other is feeling (scared, activated, shut down) in order to connect with their nervous system. It's the body's way of saying, I see you.
You don't have to collapse into activation with a person to attune (i.e. jump in the pit with them), but you have to be willing to connect with them in that space, to share resonance and connection. And that ventral tether to safety is key.
We can do this inside as well. We can call upon our own resourced inner Nurturing Protector who can say, "Yeah, I'm tethered, I've got this, I have the capacity to support the scared, hurt, mad, sad parts of me." I don't need to deny them any longer, they are safe with me. I am safe with me. All parts."
This is how we heal.
Want to learn more?
If you would like to get on the waitlist for my upcoming offerings about the nervous system and how it is the KEY to living with less stress and more soul alignment, please share your name here. That way I can be sure to notify you about these upcoming resources.